An Episode of Sparrows

 

(one cure for restlessness, go outside, find a feather and some flower buds, dreamy clouds and fresh oregano)

It's funny. I keep thinking that I'm in an in-between-time, a transition, and that once I start a meaningful career, or move out or miraculously become an adult that I'll somehow feel more grounded and solid. But that's rubbish. And simply not true.

Sometimes it feels like I'm always waiting, and meanwhile life is going by. But I know life doesn't start at some future point, it's happening. Now.

Example A:
Today I spent hours on the computer, frantically trying to research graduate jobs in the humanities/arts sector, gradually becoming more and more daunted and intimidated as I realised how ridiculously underqualified I am to even apply for any jobs that I'm interested in. I felt stuck.

Then I went outside for a walk and realised that I'd been worrying and stressing all morning without really having noticed that it was such a nice day, that the clouds were unusually beautiful, that there was this fresh chill in the air, that it felt good to move my body and look at something other than a computer screen. The worrying and stressing had been pointless and unproductive, achieving nothing except a knot deep in my chest. The walk outside calmed me because I wasn't obsessing over future, nonexistent problems, but just focusing on what was in front of me and around me.

I'm going to try to borrow some wisdom from John Lennon (who said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans") and change it to "life is what happens while you're waiting for life to happen."

Why is it so hard to be present, to be here, when it's really the only place where you're not 'missing out' on your life? Do you ever feel like this?