In short, it is about vulnerability and how it is vital for connection between people, and I thoroughly recommend it.
I know it sounds like a bit of a weird subject, but somewhat surprisingly for me, a lot of things that were brought up in the talk rang clear and true. Like massive clanging bells.
(image credit: unruly things )
It provided me with a few moments of precious clarity (which has been scarce on the ground lately) and some distance from my noisy, messy thoughts to actually admit to myself that yep, being vulnerable can be REALLY HARD. But like most things that are hard or challenging, it seems it is also really important for building loving relationships. After watching it, I thought what a shame it would be (and already has been) for me to continually choose 'safety' and invulnerability over true connection and love.
One of the bits that really leapt out at me from the talk was when Brown describes three common things that characterised the attitudes of people who felt genuinely connected to life, and other people, most of the time:
"These people had, quite simply, the courage to be imperfect.
They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then others, because (as it turns out) we can't practice compassion towards other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
And the last thing was, they had connection, and (this is the hard part) as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they SHOULD be, in order to be who they WERE which..you just have to be able to do that for true connection."
Okay, so without sounding melodramatic, THIS WAS LIKE A BOMBSHELL FOR ME. Especially the first part about having the courage to be imperfect. What a radical idea for my perfection-obsessed mind to grapple with.
I feel like all this time I've been struggling against supposed imperfections in myself and others under the delusion that one day I will be this perfect person who never makes mistakes, never acts unconsciously, never does something careless or even hurtful. But I think in a way, I've been treating myself like a project that needs constant fixing, that is never complete and thus always feels lacking or unfinished. Amongst all this, I've been essentially denying that my being as it is, or my life, or whatever you want to call it, has value as it is, just now, without changing a thing. I can see how trying to be perfect (rather than trying to be loving) is actually a barrier to authenticity and connection because it denies who you really are. It also another way to be "right" and see others as "wrong", which only compounds separation and isolation.
The other thing is, the self-perfection approach is never going to work, because, as my brother Joel would say in a Borat-like accent: "Theese eez impossible!"
Many a self-help book sings the praises of self-love so repetitively and sickly-sweetly that it's understandable that many of us shrug it off as sentimental drivel or worse, ill-disguised narcissism (which I would argue it is the opposite of, but more on that another time). Despite all that resistance, I think I'm beginning to see in my own life real ways in which being loving towards yourself and valuing yourself can only better your relationships with other people, other living things and the environment. In fact, it might be the only genuine starting point for doing so.
I can also see how accepting myself wholly will take the pressure of others to somehow compensate for the 'emptiness' that I inevitably feel inside when I don't accept myself as 'good enough'. How much lighter and more joyful would all my relationships be if I wasn't constantly needing approval and acceptance from everyone else (because I'm not getting it from myself)? Answer: infinitely more joyful.
It's almost as though by learning to truly accept and love and trust and value (though not necessarily always like) yourself, in spite of all your flaws and humanness (which you might be able to mask in front of other people but not to yourself) you are setting up a model for how to love other (also inevitably flawed) beings. And I think, in a very vague way, it comes down to acknowledging that all our lives have value simply because they are. Then, and maybe only then is the acceptance and giving of love no longer based on what you have, what labels you identify with, what you do. It becomes unconditional and all-inclusive. In the same way that a mother and father love their newborn child simply because he/she is, maybe that's how we should try to love ourselves.
That doesn't mean that we can't change or better ourselves, but that we will no longer be trying to do that from a place of fear and lack. We won't be trying to become perfect, but just to become the truest, best, most loving version of ourselves. And I think that actually is possible, because it's a process rather than an unattainable goal.
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